I’m going to let you guys in on a little secret that has set us up to be successful in our communication with each other since day one: GOAL SETTING IN MARRIAGE.
Some of you are reading what I just said and thinking- "What in the world? I have enough on my plate just trying to set my personal goals, why would I want to add a totally different list specific to my marriage?”. Or maybe you are thinking “I don’t even set goals for myself! That sounds so overwhelming!” But I’m here to tell you WHY I wholeheartedly believe in sitting down with your spouse to make goals, HOW I believe it can change your communication, your marriage, and your life this year, and WHAT you need to do to get started!
A few years ago, we decided to purchase the goal setting guide for couples from our friends at Cultivate What Matters. Lara Casey says this best, so I am going to quote her directly here! :
“Why set goals as a couple? Three of the biggest complaints couples have about their relationships are poor communication, not being understood, and not feeling like they’re on the same page. That’s where good goal setting comes in! Setting goals together will help you work as team, improve communication by expressing your dreams and challenges, provide accountability, and deliver a great sense of unity and connectedness when you make progress together. Good goals can change everything”.
BOOM- Lara Casey for the win! This statement embodies exactly how we feel about goal setting in our marriage- and we encourage you to give it a go! Below, I’m going to share some of the basic framework we use in our goal setting, and tell you real-life examples from our own marriage.
1) Celebrate
Each year for our marriage goal setting, we know a little getaway is just what we need to feel refreshed and inspired while planning our year. For us, goal setting is done ideally over three days (but one of those days is definitely dedicated to our business, so many couples may be able to do two days!). While you can totally set aside time to set goals at home, we personally feel too distracted (especially because we work from home all week, too!) We’ve gone as far as snowy vermont, and also done little staycations in Mount Dora and Anna Maria! No matter where it is, we invest in a sweet little room or air bnb’s with views, grab some wine on night one, and celebrate! We believe the goal setting process should ALWAYS begin with celebrating where you’ve been and what you’ve accomplished. I repeat- step one should ALWAYS BE to celebrate!!! As human beings we are so quick to think of the bad things that have happened- so this exercise will really help you cultivate gratitude (you already know we’re big on this if you read our blog about tips we use to be grateful every day!), and celebrate all the past year has brought to you as opposed to thinking “Oh- it’s new years and I have a LOT of improving to do…”. Starting out any exercise feeling overwhelmed with changes you want or need isn’t going to lead you in the right direction.
Some things we do while celebrating:
Read the blessings out loud from our blessings jar we keep all year
Make a list of “what worked” in the past twelve months and talk about it
Put in place a “no negativity” rule. No piggybacking off anything we talk about with improvements needed or complaints.
2) Ask important questions
After our night of celebration, we wake up early to dig into the goals right away. For us, we have to start with coffee and some prayers :) So I encourage you to do whatever it is in the morning that helps you feel pumped and ready before you dive in!
We always begin marriage goal setting by sharing our personal goals first. This way we can use those as a guide to keep us focused on what matters to us both individually, and then we move onto the big questions for marriage. When I say big questions, I’m talking plans for big purchases, kids, travel plans, yearly budget… we get into it ALL on goal setting! Don’t be afraid to bring up those big, sometimes uncomfortable questions and dreams. The discomfort is really where the magic happens and you can dig deeper with your spouse. Some of the most important questions we ask ourselves-
1. Do we feel like our marriage is still on an upward slope?
2. Where do we see ourselves one year from now? How about 5?
3. How can we encourage one another in our personal goals for this year?
4. What habits do we want to develop as a couple this year?
5. How do we feel about our current budget? Do we need to make changes?
These are just a starting point- but I encourage you to come up with questions that relate to your life specifically. We break it down into the following categories: Spiritual, Personal, Financial, Health, Family, Home life (this is where we talk about our marriage itself, plans for kids, and our actual house!)
3) Create baby steps
After we work through all the biggest questions, the final step is writing out baby steps we can take to accomplish each goal. An example of baby steps from one of our own goals two years ago looks like this:
Goal:
Keep our marriage a top priority in both of our lives all year long.
Steps:
1. Going on a date every single Monday! From going on a long walk to a full day at the beach or a garden, we commit to doing something each and every week to focus on us as a couple.
2. Putting phones on airplane mode between 10PM and 9AM. This time should be for us as a couple each and every day to talk, pray together, laugh… We don’t want anyone or anything competing for that time and attention!
3. Work through the “You and Me” app . (An app suggested by a friend that has you read a book and answer questions together that strengthen your relationship)
We created these steps for each and every goal, and it makes a big difference breaking things down into something manageable!
After all was said and done we finish the trip by doing something fun! From snowmobiling to beach sunset bike rides, we try to pick something to unwind. Celebrate, celebrate, celebrate.
We are so thankful for this goal setting retreat each year to work through celebrating where we’ve come from, sharing personal goals, asking each other the big questions for the next year, and breaking goals into baby steps. We hope this blog has given you some inspiration for goal setting in your own marriage to improve your communication all year round. We promise you won’t regret setting aside this time to fully commit to one another through the next year and beyond- The best is yet to come, you can do it!
Xo,
Justin and Ashley
P.S- if you need some tips for starting your personal goal setting, check out these three tips for setting goals. It’s never too late to begin!
